


Unsub on Ice

by MonkeyZero



Category: Criminal Minds (US TV), Yuri!!! on Ice (Anime)
Genre: Crack, becsuse it's a criminals minds crossover, crackfic, non con is mentioned, side character dies, tentacluuri, very, yuuri katsuki is a tentacle monster
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2018-02-03
Updated: 2018-02-03
Packaged: 2019-03-12 23:35:08
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 2,328
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/13557954
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/MonkeyZero/pseuds/MonkeyZero
Summary: Somebody is found dead during the Grand Prix in Detroit, and the BAU is called in to find the killer before the competition is over.





	Unsub on Ice

**Author's Note:**

  * For [thecoldlightofday](https://archiveofourown.org/users/thecoldlightofday/gifts).



> -so my girlfriend and I like criminal minds and Yuri on Ice, so this is a bunch of weird headcanons.  
> -tentacluuri is canon

Morgan got the call at 3 AM and reluctantly left Samantha in his bed and drove to the FBI building. Yawning, he took the elevator and was greeted by Penelope, who handed him a thermos of coffee. Suspecting she had not left the office from yesterday, Morgan enjoyed some banter with her until they got to the conference room.

“We have a case,” Hotch said, passing out files. “A woman--Sala Crispino--was found raped and murdered and dumped in a lake in Detroit. She had come for an ice skating competition, which begins tomorrow. The M.O. is consistent with several rapes and murders in St. Petersburg, so it is likely the work of a serial killer. We have skaters from all over the world converging, but only for a few days, so we have to solve this before they return to their home countries. This woman was killed on American soil, and we have to give her justice.”

“So we would suspect the skater from St. Petersburg wouldn’t we,” Emily said, flipping through the file. “That would be Yuri Plisetsky.”

“Yuuri Katsuki also lives in St. Petersburg, though he represents Japan,” Morgan said. “But he wouldn’t have done it. He’s too much of a sweetheart. Viktor Nikiforov is his husband and coach, also living in St. Petersburg. Georgi Popovich attended as well to cheer on his teammates.  Otabek Altin also spends a lot of time in St. Petersburg, visiting his boyfriend Yuri Plisetsky,” Morgan said, flipping through pictures of dead women. “Mila Babicheva is also here for the women’s competition, as is Anya Volkova. Anybody in the women’s division could have used an accomplice to eliminate their competition.”

“If it is a replication, choosing to copy a Russian case could have been a move to intentionally implicate the Russian skaters,” Reid said not looking up from the file. “But there wasn’t anything in the file about Yuuri Katsuki.” 

“Morgan,” Emily said slowly. “Are you a figure skating fan?”

“Maybe,” Morgan said, leaning back in his chair. “It was something to do in Chicago winters.”

Emily snorted said, laughing. “I’m not judging.”

 

After reaching Detroit the team put together a profile and after delivering it to the local police, JJ said, “you know, if the unsub is a skater, the other skaters would know best whose personality fits that description.”

“We don’t want to start a witch hunt,” Hotch said.

“Everybody’s been accusing each other already,” Morgan said, rushing into the room.

“Where were you?” Reid asked.

“Observing the skaters,” Megan said.

“He wanted to see the short program,” JJ whispered. 

“Well we should deliver the profile as soon as possible,” Emily said. “We’re running on a short schedule.”

 

“Why do we have to be here,” Yuri complained. “I’m supposed to be practicing.”

“Yurio,” Yuuri said. “Somebody died.” 

“Yeah well that has nothing to do with me,” Yuri said, mindlessly kicking the back of JJs seat.

“Yura, you’re a suspect,” Otabek hissed.

“I still think this is dumb,” Yuri said as the team entered. 

“Thank you for coming here,” Reid said. “I know you are all very busy, but I’m sure you would all like to help us catch Sala’s killer.”

Mila sniffed and blew her nose into a kleenex. Anya patted her hand. 

“We have confirmed that the unsub is the same as the person who has been killing women in Russia, but you are all suspects. “The person we are looking for is a narcissist…” all heads swivelled to JJ. “And also a loner. He wouldn’t talk much, and would have somewhat of a mysterious image.” Everyone looked at Otabek.

“You just suspect him because he’s Muslim!” Yuri shouted.

“We need to know if any of you have witnessed anything suspicious. If someone is frequently gone for long periods of time. The unsub would also feel a hatred towards women.”

“Well I love women,” JJ said, looking straight at JJ. 

“Yeah you’re the only one here,” Yuri snorted.

“JJ is married,” Morgan said glaring at JJ. “And so are you.”

JJ shrugged. “It’s going to be confusing with two JJs though. I’ll be Eagle one, Anya can be “been there done that”, Chris can be “currently doing that”, Yuuri will be “happened once in a dream”, Victor you can be “if I had to pick a Russian,” and JJ can be Eagle Two.”

“Oh thank God,” JJ breathed.

“Really, Chris?” Viktor asked, looking at him friend.

Chris shrugged. “You know how I am. I’ll fuck anyone who’s willing.”

“Men, women,” Morgan muttered. “And boys,” he added looking at Yuri.

“I’m nineteen now!” Yuri shouted. “And I’m in the lead. This will be the year I crush the pork cutlet bowl and take back my gold after three years of losing to him.”

“Right,” Hotch said. “I think we’re done here. You can return to practice but we will be pulling you aside individually.”

 

“I haven’t even been to St. Petersburg in years,” Chris said, putting his feet up on the table. “Not since I visited Viktor and Yuuri last summer. Too cold there.”

“Have you noticed anything suspicious lately?” Emily asked. “Anybody acting out of the ordinary.”

“Nah,” Chris said. “When I heard what happened to Sala I thought at first it might be her brother. That guys freaky obsessed with her. But he’s still in Italy and I don’t think he’s been to St Petersburg either.”

“Right,” Emily said. “Everyone says you are best friends with Victor Nikiforov. Do you think he is capable of this?”

Chris burst out laughing. Wiping tears from him eyes he said. “Viktor? He can’t kill a spider. And there’s no way Yuuri Katsuki would have done it either. He’d have an anxious fit. The other Yuri... He’s capable of murder probably, but he wouldn’t limit himself to women. He hates everyone, not just women. Georgi—that guy is pretty creepy.”

 

Mila was still crying when Rossi sat down in front of her.

“Were you close with Sala?” He asked.

Mila nodded. “We always competed against one another but she was still nice to me. She was nice to everyone! It won’t be the same, skating without her.”

“You and Sala are usually neck and neck for first place,” Ross’s said slowly. “Now you’ll have much better chances.”

“No I won’t,” Mila sniffed. “I choked in my short program. I wanted to win, but not like this. I loved the challenge Sala gave me. It made me a better skater.”

“Alright,” Rossi’s said gently. “Now what can you tell me about your teammate Anya.”

“I’m not close with Anya,” Mila said hurriedly. Rossi raises his eyebrows. “Okay fine,” Mila sighed. “We’re dating, but it’s a secret because Georgi would be heartbroken, and Yakov doesn’t want another couple on the ice. But Anya would never kill anyone.” 

 

Yuuri Katsuki fidgeted nervously in his seat. He answered the questions hesitantly, though his English was good.

“Yuuri,” Morgan said. “I have a feeling you’re hiding something. You came to St. Petersburg around the time the killing started. If there’s something you’re not telling us and we find out later, that would be very bad for you.”

Yuuri let out a distressed squeak and said, “alright,  _ alright,  _ I’m a squid monster. But just because I have tentacles doesn’t mean I’m a murderer.”

“Tentacles?” Reid asked. “Like an octopus.”

“More like a squid…” Yuuri said slowly.

“Ok, we don’t care about your tentacles,” Morgan said, glancing at Reid. He hadn’t expected Yuuri Katsuki to be insane. “Just tell us if you see anything odd, and also--good luck on your free skate tomorrow. I know you’ll win.”

 

“Do you know Sala Crispino?” 

“Of course!” Viktor Nikiforov said. “She always beats me at strip poker. Whole game, and all she lost was a sock. I ended up wearing that on my--”

“I get the picture,” JJ said. “Where were you on thursday evening?”

“Thursday…” Viktor mused. “I was getting drunk with Yurio and my husband. I was definitely too drunk to kill anyone.”

“Yuuri has confirmed that, as did Phichit Chulanont’s instagram,” JJ sighed. “But you passed out early in the night, didn’t you? So you didn’t keep an eye on the others.”

“Well Yuuri took me back to the hotel,” Viktor said, “He was taking care of me for most of the evening. I think Yurio met up with Otabek later.”

“Word is Yuri Plisetsky has some trouble controlling his anger,” JJ said slowly.

“Trust me,” Viktor said. “If Yurio was killing people, no way would JJ be alive.”

 

“Tell me what you know about Sala Crispino,” Morgan said.

“Well,” Yuri said. “She’s a decent skater, but Mila’s better. She flirts with a lot of guys, but nobody wants to date her because her brother would kill them if they banged her because Mickey secretly wants to fuck his sister, which is pretty gross.”

“A few people have told me you are capable of violence,” Morgan said. “You kicked Yuuri Katsuki in the shins on public television, and broke Jean-Jacques Leroy’s nose--twice.”

“That was only because Katsudon told me I had to be home by eleven, and I was seventeen then. And JJ deserved it. He thinks his face is so perfect. You know he got plastic surgery? Smug bastard.”

“I see,” Morgan said. “What are your feelings towards women?”

Yuri rolled his eyes. “Look buddy, I hate everyone, not just women.”

 

Georgi sat across from Emily, who winced when she saw his make-up. “Hello,” Georgi said. “You are a beautiful woman. Beautiful women shouldn’t have jobs as rough like yours. If you were my wife, you would never have to work another day in your life.”

Emily groaned.

 

The morning of the free skate, Viktor drove Yuuri and Yuri to the rink. “My husband and my son, competing against one another,” Viktor sighed. “As his coach, I have to root for Yuuri, you understand, Yuratchka.”

“I’m not your son!” Yurio shouted. He groaned and tossed his phone across the backseat. “Mila isn’t texting me back. She had better watch me skate or she’s dead.”

“I haven’t heard from her either,” Viktor said with a frown. “Maybe Anya wore her out last night.”

“Gross,” Yuri grumbled. “And you weren’t supposed to open your big mouth and go blabbing about it to Georgi. He’ll be insufferable now.”

“In my defense, I was drunk and unsupervised,” Viktor said. 

Just as they pulled into the parking lot, an incoming call popped up on the car’s display screen. “So nice, these American cars,” Viktor said, hitting the accept button. “Hello,” he said cheerily.

“Viktor…” It was Mila’s voice on the other line.

“What is it Mila?” Viktor asked, “are you alright, you sound hurt?”

“I think… I think I’m drugged,” Mila said. “Anya and I were leaving the hotel, and he grabbed us. Hit her over the head, and then me when I went to help. I think she’s okay… but we’re both tied up. I can’t get to her. Viktor… it was Georgi.”

“Don’t worry Mila,” Viktor said as Yuuri pulled out his phone, and Yuri slammed the backdoor and walked around to a trunk. “We’ll take care of this.” He and Yuuri walked around to the back of the car, where Yuri was waiting with a tire iron.

“Ready to deal with this?” Yuri said.

“No Yura, not the Russian way,” Viktor said as Yuuri frantically waved his hands. “We’re calling the American police.”

“But he’ll go to jail,” Yuri complained. 

“Yes, but if you kill him here, you’ll go to jail too,” Yuuri said. “Even if he is a serial killer.”

“I don’t care,” Yuri said, but he threw the tire iron on the ground and rushed to the stairs. 

 

Morgan hung up the phone and turned to JJ. Georgi had been their top suspect for a while, but now it was time to arrest him. The stadium was filling up, but Morgan caught a glimpse of Georgi in the front of the stands, talking to Yakov. Reid was right behind him

“Georgi Popovich,” Morgan called. “You are under arrest for the murder of Sala Crispino.”

Georgi looked over his shoulder to see Reid, so he jumped off the seating area and towards the locker room. Rossi emerged from the locker room, trapping Georgi. Georgi grabbed the closest pair of skates and took off across the ice. He was headed straight for the exit. JJ was running that way, but she wouldn’t make it in time. Cursing, Morgan grabbed a pair of skates from Otabek’s hands and jammed his feet into them. They were too tight, but they would do. Morgan got on the ice and sailed across to follow Georgi. 

Georgi was fast, but to everyone’s surprise, Morgan was faster. Morgan tore across the ice, cutting off Georgi’s exit. There was an agent at each exit, and Georgi took his chances with JJ. Big mistake. She tackled him to the ground, his face pressed into the ice.

“That’s...JJ style,” a voice came from the audience.

JJ groaned as she pulled Georgi to his feet, and then there was a shout from the stands.

“YOU HURT MILA!”

Everyone looked over as Yuri Plisetsky tore across the ice, having vaulted over the barrier. Before Morgan could intervene, Yuri had kicked georgi right in the throat. Blood spattered the ice as Yuri’s skate met Georgi’s jugular.

 

Epilogue

 

Yuuri looked up to see Viktor and Yuri come through the apartment door. Yuri collapsed on the couch with a groan. “God,” he said. “Prison was rough.”

“You’re lucky Yakov’s lawyer got you extradited. If it was the American legal system you’d still be there.”

“Yeah but I bet American prisons have central heating,” Yuri said with a shiver.

“I take it you’ve been cleared of all charges,” Yuuri said. 

“Yep,” Yuri said with a grin. “The judge even pulled me aside on my way out and congratulated me.” Yuuri sighed. Yuri looked far too smug about that.


End file.
